It is what it is;
Sometimes I seem to let myself get wrapped up in the difficulties that life presents me with and its hard to remember that life is not always going to be a walk in the park. As happy as I try to be, it seems as if when one thing is going the best it ever could possibly be, five other things proceed to crumble beneath me. I am so blessed to have Kegan and I can honestly say that for the first time ever in my life, I am content with where I am at and who I have chosen to spend my days with. I do not spend my free time day dreaming about how things might be if I picked different people to consume my life, and I do not waste time wondering about what I am missing out on. I love the people I have, and I would not trade them for the world. This is so my life and I am totally ready to watch things unveil themselves in front of me now that I can make the right decitions. For the first time in awhile, I honestly have this feeling that Satan is trying to bring me down and is throwing things in my path just to see if I will give in to the temptations. I don’t think I have ever been more proud of myself in the ability I have seem to found somewhere in me to ignore all of this shit. Sure I have moments of weakness, where I break down and feel like I will never truly be happy, but the moments of sheer joy that I have in my life, completely out weigh those bad ones this time around.
I know there will always be those people in my life who will never enjoy seeing me truly happy. I will always love Jacob for the rest of my life in some way or another and he will always have love for me, but this love does not mean anything in regards of a relationship, it is just the love of friendship and a past history. No one knows me the way he does and I actually hate that about him. He knows how to get under my skin and how to get a rise out of me. He is really good at manipulating me into acting the way he wants me to. This time around I had to much faith in hoping that he had truly matured into a better person, I had hoped so much that we could finally be friends and be a part of each others lives with out things being the normal mess they used to be. It is normal to search for good in people, but I gave it my last try this time around I think. He will never be able to be just my friend, he will always want something more I guess. I need to let that be his problem and not my own. As for the other boys that cant seem to leave me alone right now, I guess I just need to get over it. I have tome to find that it is ok to hurt someone when all you are doing is telling them you like your boyfriend and that you do not want them. You will never be able to please everyone. It is just not a realistic hope.
My family is the largest part of what I cant seem to handle right now, the pressure of all the terrible things that are happening is over bearing at times, but I need to be strong and push through it. None of what is going on is a result of my actions, so I just need to be there for everyone and keep going on with my life. Its hard watching the people that I love the most fall apart in front of me but there is honestly nothing that I can do to change it. It is what it is and I can not control the actions of other people.
We will see how this philosophy goes I guess, it is easy to write about it and tell myself its how I am going to feel when I wake up the next day too, but sometimes its just not that simple.
A week until I go back to school I believe. Good grief I can not wait.
